Views & Reviews From Writer Steve Miller
Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Tectonic Tuesday:
Independence Day Aftershocks

"They hate us for our freedom," President George Bush famously said. And he was right. There are few things that fascist psychos and the dictators in charge of places like Iran, China, and Venezuela hate more than a population that is free to speak their minds and guide their own lives.

However, they also fear our freedom, because with it comes the right to dress as we choose. And with that comes scantily clad women. And with that comes earthquakes, as Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi revealed when he brought the world this Allah-inspired bit of insight: "Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

With warm weather and U.S. women having the freedom to dress as immodestly as they please at picnics and parades and backyard BBQs, earthquakes in July are only natural. In fact, immodest American women may become this country's greatest weapon when their power is harnessed after the Pentagon perfects the Earthquake Machine!

Yes, they fear us for our freedom. And here are some examples of why, in what is partly a post-Independence Day celebration of immodest American women, but also a continuation of my efforts to spread the wisdom of the Great Imam Slammy (as he is known to friends) to the world.

In July of 1985 Hawke's Bay, New Zealand was rocked by an earthquake and some 35 aftershocks. All because of immodest American women. (Pictured is Madonna, who has corrupted the chastity of men throughout the 1980s and 1990s. She is a bit beyond that point now, but she nonetheless continues to dress as immodestly as ever.)

In July of 2005, an earthquake struck the Nicobar Islands off the coast of India, and Tokyo was rattled by the biggest earthquake in decades. (Pictured is bikini model Jessiqa Pace, who has been making the earth move since the late 1990s.)

In July of 2008, an earthquake struck Southern California, showing that even the United States themselves can sometimes be exposed to the power of our nation's exposed women. (Pictured is singer and actress Jessica Simpson, who has been making the earth move since the dawn of the new millenium.)

In July of 2002 the earth shook in Balochistan and Karnitaka (both parts of India), as well as in the African nation of Cameroon. (Pictured is pop singer Britney Spears, who was the subject of the first Tectonic Tuesdays Case Study.)

And it's all because of the immodest women of the United States of America.

(That's actually Danish photographer Carlotta Oestervang wearing a US flag bathing suit, but the point still stands. She was in New York at the time.)

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