Views & Reviews From Writer Steve Miller
Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tectonic Tuesdays: Salma Hayek

Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi recently revealed that "Many women who do not dress modestly [...] spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

A man this wise MUST be a prophet, a prophet on the magnitude of Mohammed [may peas be upon him] and Jesus Christ [may Neosporin be upon him]. The only right thing to do is to spread his message by offering scientific reinforcement for his divinely inspired insight. And this is where "Tectonic Tuesday" comes in.

Fourth Case Study: Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek got her start in a soap opera on Mexican television, but it wasn't until 1996 that she became a danger to the world. That was the year she appeared in "From Dusk to Dawn," as a vampire exotic dancer wearing a snake and a small bikini. That same year, the Lijiang earthquake in southwestern China killed 200 people and left 300,000 without homes; Seattle on the west coast of the United States was rocked by an earthquake; and the Kobe earthquake in souther Japan claimed the lives of over 6,000.

Hayek has endangered the world many times since 1996, displaying her ample cleavage and causing earthquakes with 1999's "Wild Wild West" (a quake and subsequent tsunami rattled Turkey), 2004's "After the Sunset" (quakes in East Timor and Columbia), and 2006's "Bandidas" (an earth quake in Java that killed over 6,000 and injured more than 33,000).

All because of the immodesty of Salma Hayek.

1 comment:

  1. My favorite was when she played "the muse" Serendipity, in Jay & Silent Bob's star-studded Dogma (George Carlin as the Bishop was almost as good as Alanis Morissette as God doing hand stands in a dress). When they run across Salma, she's inspiring people while pole dancing in a stripper bar. Seems like that performance should have collapsed the galaxy, not just brought about some silly quakes! :-)