Xtro: The Complete 'Trilogy'

When is a movie trilogy NOT a movie trilogy? When it's the "Xtro" series!

"Xtro" is a series of sci-fi/horror films that are linked only by the presence of killer creatures from other worlds, the same director, and the word "Xtro" in the titles. There are no story links and the killer aliens are vastly different in each film. One really has to wonder why they chose to make the second two films "sequels" to the original; was the title "Xtro" really such a draw in the early 1990s? I understand that the first film achieved some minor legendary status by being included on the British list of "Video Nasties", but was that really enough to drive viewers to sequels made as long as ten years after the original? Especially given how bad the sequels were?


Xtro (1983)
Starring: Bernice Steger, Phillip Seyer, Maryam D'Abo, and Simon Nash
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Three years after being abducted by aliens, Sam (Seyer) returns a very different man, and he passes his gooey, gory alien powers onto his young son (Nash).


When I first saw this movie as a kid, it freaked the heck out of me. The father coming back and spreading alien corruption throughout the household, the way the son was transformed, and the way he in turn went after the horny au-paire (D'Abo)... even the creepy way he made deadly things appear with his mental powers. It all seemed very, very scary.

I suspect someone watching the film with less jaded eyes than mine could still find "Xtro" scary. At this point, I find still find some of the movie quite disturbing--Sam's method of returning to human form was not something I recalled, and it is definitely creepy; the alien egg-laying scene; and the final scene with the mother... well, up to a point with that one--but in general, I now view this film mostly with a sense of frustration because there are two fundamental things that spoil it for me.

First, there's the fact that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of rhyme or reason to what the characters do, alien or otherwise. In fact, some of the things that happen are pure "Stupid Character Syndrom"--a character does something just to make sure the plot doesn't come to screeching halt, even if a vaguely intelligent person would take any one of numerous different options.

Second, the director and/or scriptwriter simply doesn't know when enough is enough, and this spoils a number of what otherwise would have been excellent, very scary moments. The movie's ending is the ultimate example of this. I won't go into details, because I would spoil it, but suffice to say, the filmmakers ruin a perfectly good ending. If they had been smart, the film would be about 5-10 seconds shorter.

On the upside, we do get to see D'Abo prance around in absolutely nothing, and the acting is uniformly bland (not quite bad... just flat) so no one stands out as good or bad. Gorehounds might also be impressed with a number of scenes in film. The "Return of Sam" scene is a standout in that sense. "Xtro" also features a well-done electronic score, and those are few and far between.

Nonethless, this is a film that clocks in at the low end of average... although I admit my reaction may partially be due to it not living up to my memories of it. (Maybe I'll get the courage to watch "The Exorcist" again. It's the only movie I walked out because it scared me too badly.)


XTRO II: The Second Encounter (1991)
Starring: Jan-Michael Vincent, Tara Buckman, and Paul Koslo
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Deep underground, American scientists discover how to open a portal to another world...but, surprise-surprise, something goes wrong and murderous critters come across the dimensional void to run amuk. How will the best-and-brightest of the Mad Science Set stop the invasion and save themselves?!

Picture a bad "Aliens" rip-off and cross it with some of the lamest plot elements of a bad "Stargate SG-1" episode, and you have "XTRO: The Second Encounter."


Not only does this "sequel" have absolutely nothing in common with the first movie--the creatures don't even seem to be related--but it's also devoid of good acting, competent direction, and anything that even approaches originality.

For all its faults, the original XTRO at least delivered some genuine weirdness and horror, and it did so with a certain flair. This "sequel" brings absolutely nothing worthwhile to the table. It is a study in complete mediocrity and unoriginality.


Xtro 3: Watch the Skies (1994)
Starring: Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff, Andrea Lauren Hertz, and Robert Kulp
Director: Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A group of Marine demolitions experts are sent to a remote, deserted island to disarm explosives left over from WW2. As will happen, something goes wrong and they unleash an alien that has been trapped in a bunker for several decades. Gory mayhem ensues.

I've read in several places that director Harry Bromley Davenport says this is his favorite entry in the "Xtro" series. I can't for the life of me figure out why. As flawed as it was, the original "Xtro" is far more interesting on every level than this one... and far more competently made.

It's actually a shame that "Xtro 3" turned out as a textbook example of what happens when a low-budget film is made with a slip-shod attitude, because there was a lot of potential here.

The setting--a deserted jungle island that once housed interned Japanese and a secret research facility could have been a character unto itself and filled the movie with atmosphere if the cinematography and direction hadn't been as lifeless as an instructional video on how to navigate the Dewey Decimal System. The story of Marines stalked by a murderous alien creature could have been engaging if the script writer had taken time to research actual military protocols and behaviors, had spent some time making the characters interesting and distinct, and bothered to actually bothered to do more than one draft so the dialogue didn't sound like something written for a cheap voice-over of a Japanese sci-fi movie.

And speaking of characters, perhaps if the actors all didn't seem like they had been handed the script pages right before cameras started to roll but instead seemed like they were in character instead of simply delivering the bad lines, the audience could perhaps develop attachment to one or more of them. Although decent acting would not make up for the fact that illogical, plot-dictated behavior governs every action they take, because no one seems to have bothered to think scenes through.

Similarly, if someone had paid attention to costuming and continuity on the production, maybe generous-minded or entertainment-starved viewers would be able to suspend disbelief and engage with the film, despite the incompetent direction and script. However, the appearing and disappearing gear on characters and less effort put into costuming than you might put into getting dressed for lounging around the house on a Saturday when your friends are all out of town, make that impossible.

Finally, although the alien has possibilities to rival the creepy creature of the original "Xtro," it ends up more laughable than scary due to badly executed special effects and the aforementioned illogical, plot-dictated character behavior. Is there anyone reading this who has seen this film who didn't think like I did: "Why run when you can just kick it really hard?"

"Xtro 3" continues the decline of this series into crapitude. The only thing that keeps it from sinking to a Two Rating (and thus earning a place over at Movies You Should [Die Before You] See) is the alien's back story. It's a cool idea... and it's too bad that it is wasted in a movie like this one. (I won't give it away here, because it is one of the few decent story elements in the film.)

If your looking for something to round out a Bad Movie Night line-up, "Xtro 3: Watch the Skies" might be what you're looking for. You might, however, be better off actually watching the skies and identifying shapes in the clouds.







Trivia: Harry Bromley Davenport stated in a 2010 interview that "Xtro 4" was in the works, which he confirmed in March 2011, in this interview. It remains to be seen if he continues to trend of making each installment in the series worse than the one that went before. It's already a given that this film will have no connection to the others, save for the word "Xtro". (And the fact that a fourth Xtro film is in production puts a lie to the claim that this post covers the complete series/trilogy. Although that may be kind of fitting, given how this "series" isn't one.

The Complete Dirty Harry

From 1971 to 1988, Clint Eastwood portrayed Dirty Harry, San Francisco's toughest cop. In doing so, Eastwood established a character so iconic that it rivals his famous "Man With No Name".

This post covers all five movies in the "Dirty Harry" series.


Dirty Harry (1971)
Starring: Clint Eastwood and Andy Robinson
Director: Don Seigel
Rating: Ten of Ten Stars

When a madman who calls himself Scorpio (Robinson) sets about to terrorize and extort the city of San Francisco with sniper attacks and kidnappings, only the unorthodox methods of homicide inspector Harry Callahan (Eastwood) can stop him.


"Dirty Harry" stands as one of the greatest police dramas ever made, and the bad guy--the monstrous, utterly insane Scorpio--is so extreme that it even has elements that appeal to lovers of horror films. From the opening shots, the tension in the film keeps building and it doesn't let up until Harry and Scorpio have their final confrontation. Everything in this movie works perfectly, from the casting, to the camera and Foley work, to the great score by Lalo Shafrin (with the eerie "Scorpio Theme" adding a lot to the film).

Eastwood is also great as Harry, a cop who dislikes bureaucracy and who always puts the well-being and rights of crime victims ahead of the criminals that prey on them. And he does it within the boundaries of the law, with no consideration for politics. He's the sort of cop who can only get away with what he does in the fantasy land of movies.

Robinson also makes a fantastic bad guy. Between the actions of the character and the way the actor plays him, even the most hardcore member of the "violence in movies is bad" and "every criminal has rights" has got to be cheering for Harry to give the justice he has earned.

This film lays the foundation for the Dirty Harry sequels that followed, and I think it was just as much the fantasy of a cop who can buck the system and bag in a bad guy who knows how to play it, as it was Eastwood's portrayal of Harry that made the character so popular. (If you watch the movie carefully, you can see the depth that Eastwood brings to Harry's character.)

"Dirty Harry" is well-deserving of its reputation of being a classic. It is a great movie, and while it has been imitated over and over, it's never been matched... even by its own sequels.


Magnum Force (1974)
Starring: Clint Eastwood, Hal Holbrook, and David Soul
Director: Ted Post
Rating: Six of Ten

When San Francisco's biggest crime figures fall victim to a series of execution-style hits, homicide detective Harry Callahan (Eastwood) first believes that someone must be impersonating police officers to get as close to the victims as they are, but his boss, Lt. Briggs (Holbrook) is convinced that the murders the result of a typical gangster power-struggle. As Callahan investigates, he uncovers a frightening possiblity--that maybe the "fake cop" is a real cop, and that a secret death squad exists within the SFPD.


"Magnum Force" is a somewhat dissapointing follow-up to "Dirty Harry", and it's one of the weaker entries in the series. The movie seems to drag on and on, in part due to some exceptionally dull cinematagraphy, a lack of story focus until the third act, and a near-total lack of humor throughout. (The exception being an encounter totally unrelated to the rest of the movie, except to establish Harry's renegade ways, when Harry prevents a plane from being hijacked,)

The film is still superior to most cop dramas out there--mostly thanks to its great cast--but it's a weak link in the "Dirty Harry" cycle.


The Enforcer (1976)
Starring: Clint Eastwood and Tyne Daly
Director: James Fargo
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

When a terrorist group attempts to blackmail San Francisco with bombings, murders, and ultimately by kidnapping the mayor, even the unorthodox methods of Police Inspector Harry Callahan (Eastwood) might not be enough to overcome both the bad guys and the touchy-feely approach of the "new" San-Fran city government.


In "The Enforcer", the real-world San Francisco finally seems to catch up with Dirty Harry, as he spends as much time fighting against style-over-substance politics as he does tracking down the villains. Although the bad guys here are not up to the standards set by the first two movies--they may be more violent, but they're no where near as sinister--this movie is a vast improvement over "Magnum Force", not only because it actually has a well-focused storyline, but also because the character of Harry comes off as multi-faceted... and, for that matter, a true believer in justice and equality. From his interactions with black militants to his approach to his new female partner (Daly) who has been foisted on him in the name of women's-lib, Harry shows a constant willingness to accept anyone who proves themselves worthy of his trust and respect.

Like previous "Dirty Harry" movies, this film is blessed with excellent camera work and a great cast. In addition, the script is excellent, with the rookie homicide detective who gets promoted just because she's a woman, but who shows she definitely has the chops, being a great character (as well as a source of some of the film's more humorous moments.) What's more, out of all the films in the series, this is the one where Harry Callahan comes across the strongest and most likable. This is why the film has one of the saddest endings I think I've ever seen to a cop drama.

So, despite somewhat weakly realized foes for our gun-toting, morally unbendable homicide detective, "The Enforcer" stands as the second-best film in the "Dirty Harry" series.


Sudden Impact (1983)
Starring: Clint Eastwood and Sondra Locke
Director: Clint Eastwood
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

A rape victim (Locke) is taking brutal revenge on her attackers, and SFPD's most rebellious police inspector, Harry Callahan (Eastwood) is trying to catch her.



the low point for Dirty Harry is "Sudden Impact", a film without any likable characters (with the possible exception of Meathead the Dog); flat performances from most of the actors (even Eastwood); a story that relies waaay too much on coincidence to keep moving (yes, there always needs to be some sort of coincidental convergence of events and characters, but "Sudden Impact" features so many that it's just plain bad writing); and the end is out of step with the way Callahan has been portrayed in previous films, how he is portrayed in the final film in the series... and it's just a bad ending all-around. (Without providing too many spoilers, Harry pretty much abandons any moral high-ground he once may have been able to claim, because as the end credits roll in "Sudden Impact", he's no longer a good cop by any stretch of the imagination.)

To make the experience even worse, Sandra Locke appears to have received a talent-ectomy before filming on "Sudden Impact" began.

I remember liking this movie alot when I saw it as a kid some two decades ago, but revisiting it was a great dissapointment. It's interesting how tastes change as we grow older.


The Dead Pool (1988)
Starring: Clint Eastwood, Patricia Clarkson, and Liam Neeson
Director: Buddy Van Long
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When "Dirty" Harry Callahan (Eastwood)--San Francisco's most rebellious and anti-social homicide detective--is pointman in sending a major crime boss to prison, he finds himself receiving favorable media attention for once... and he hates every minute of it. He hates even more that the police commissioner wants him to spend time doing "press availabilities"... but when he is targeted first by vengeful mobsters and then by a maniac bent on claiming victory in a sick betting game called "The Dead Pool", Harry and his famous Magnum revolver are back in familiar territory, even defending a lady reporter (Clarkson) from harm.

"The Dead Pool" has all the elements that has made the Dirty Harry character so popular, particularly the way he is a conduit for the viewers disgust with police departments that are more concerned with PR than stopping crime, out-of-control and irresponsible journalists; and the way he is the sort of cop that really can only exist in urban fairy tales like the Dirty Harry movies. (Dirty Harry NEVER harms an innocent--in fact, he goes far and above the call of duty in their defense--but if anyone who even was close to the sort of nature that Harry has would have been tossed off the force long ago.)

Although "The Dead Pool" has all the great elements of a Dirty Harry story, it is weakened by several over-the-top assassination attempts on Harry by the gangsters and a main villain that's as crazy as the Scorpio Killer but whose final encounter with Harry sort of peeters out and is weakened by a gesture that is even extreme even for Harry (and a bit out of character, it seems to me the filmmakers were interested more in a final pun than a good ending to the film).

Those bad parts, however, give rise to some of the films better moments, so they can be excused. First, the way Harry gets the mob hit men off his back is the sort of approach that is at the heart of why the character was so popular. Second, a crazy assassination scheme of the film's main bad guy gives rise to one of the funkiest car chases ever put on film.

"The Dead Pool" features a great performance by Clint Eastwood as one of his signature characters. While it's not the best of the Dirty Harry films, it's still very worthwhile viewing. (One sad little part of the movie is the commentary on the out-of-control celebrity-worshipping media culture of the U.S... it's sad over 20 years later that media culture is more out of control than ever.

The Complete Street Fighter

Although the word "ninja" never comes up in the "Street Fighter" series, the character played by Sonny Chiba, in the three movies that collectively make up his most famous effort internationally, sure seems like a ninja to me. So, on this, the final of the Nine Days of the Ninja, I bring you The Complete Street Fighter! Three movies of eye-gouging, penis-ripping glory in which Sonny Chiba takes the ancient art of making goofy faces while doing martial arts to heights that Bruce Lee could only have dreamed of!

If you want to see what REAL martial artists are capable of--what truly talented fighters can do without camera tricks and wire-harnesses--you need to check out these films.


The Street Fighter (1974)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Waichi Yamada, Yutaka Nakajimam, Akira Shioji, and Tony Cetera
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When a gruff, anti-social martial-artist-for-hire (Chiba) turns down a Yakuza contract to kidnap the heiress of an oil-based financial empire (Nakajimam), he discovers they'd rather kill him than risk him revealing their plans. So, he does the only sensible thing a human engine of death and destruction can do: He offers his services in protection of the heiress, and proceeds to tear through her enemies like so much tissue paper. However, a callous act of his past will come back to haunt him, complicating his fight against the foot-soldiers of the international crime cartel.

"The Street Fighter" may be a fairly low-tech and low-budget action film, but it shows that martial arts fights scenes don't need wires and CGI to be exciting... they just need actors who really know their stuff!

When it comes right down to it, the plot in this film is pretty nonsensical and so full of holes that it'll collapse if you try to give it even the slightest thought. But who cares? The fight scenes are extremely cool and horribly violent at times. (Is there any other film where the hero has ripped the gonads off a would-be rapist with his bare hand?)

Interestingly, despite the films title, the main character, martial arts mercenary Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi doesn't seem like much of a street fighter. He seems far more like a ninja, both in how he dresses and how he behaves. This is no more clear than in the film's climax where he singlehanded takes on a floating nest of bad guys on an oil tanker. (I also think that this, more than any other film, must have inspired the notion that the purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people. Lord knows Terry does some flipping out AND he kills a ton of people in this movie!)

Although "The Street Fighter" was rated X for its eye-gouging, throat-slitting, and penis-ripping graphic violence back when it was first released in 1974, I really didn't see any violence worse than the average slasher flick or "torture porn" movie that gets R-ratings these days. (And unless the censors were a little more artful with this film than usual, I think I viewed an uncut copy.)

"The Street Fighter" is a movie that fans of martial arts and action films need to see. It's a classic of the genre, weak script aside, its got great fight scenes, great soundtrack music (with a catchy theme)... and Sonny Chiba makes more goofy faces while fighting in this single movie than Bruce Lee did in his entire career!


Return of the Street Fighter (1975)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Masafumi Suzuki, Yôko Ichiji, Masashi Ishibashi, and Hiroshi Tanaka
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi (Chiba) opens a new can of whup-ass when Otaguro (Tanaka), the master of a martial arts school that's serving as a money-laundering front for an international partnership forged by the Mafia and Yakuza, targets the incorruptible martial arts master Masaoka (Ishibashi) for death. But can even Terry's powerful Karate carry the day when female assistant (Suzuki) is plotting with Otaguro, and an old and deadly enemy returns from the grave to confront him?

"Return of the Street Fighter" has fight scenes as great as the ones in the first movie. Some are even better, like the Terry's mountain-top fight against a band of expert martial artists armed with traditional Japanese weapons, or his confrontation and battle with Jonju, whose pulse someone clearly should have thought to take as the end credits rolled on "The Street Fighter". Oh, and while Terry does about the same amount of skull-cracking, bone-breaking and internal organ crushing as in the first film, he doesn't make nearly the same amount of funny faces while doing it. (Those are reserved almost entirely for the climactic battle where Terry takes on a whole building full of gangsters.)

Although the story is full of logical lapses and incomprehensible actions on the part of the characters, the story is a bit stronger, because it draws the lines between the good guys and bad guys a bit more clearly. Terry may be even more amoral and money-grubbing than he was in the first film, as he starts this film in the employ of the gangsters as an assassin. However, his change-of-heart to join the side of the good guys appears to be motivated by a sense of justice... or at least a desire for revenge, because the employers he turns against here make the international gangsters from "The Street Fighter" look like a bunch of Mormon missionaries.

With a slightly stronger storyline, more evil bad guys and lots of cool martial arts scenes (which include a little Wire-Fulooooooong flashbacks that consist of clips taken from "The Street Fighter". Some 10-15 minutes of the film's 83-minute running time is included for no reason other than to make the film longer.

(Interestingly, the filmmakers almost entirely avoided the one bit of recycling I wish they had engaged in--the reusing of the "Street Fighter Theme" from the original film. I think we only hear it once in this film.)

It's a shame the director or producers couldn't be content with a 70 or 75 minute film. Just losing the bulk of the padding would have made this a far superior movie (and would have earned it a 7-rating in my eyes). It's still entertaining, and if you enjoy martial arts films I think you'll get a kick out of Terry Tsurugi second round against international organized crime.


The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (1979)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Reiko Ike, Koji Wada, Tatsuo Endo, Akira Shiojo, Sue Shihomi, and the Voice of George Takai
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Steve's Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Mercenary martial arts expert (read ninja!) Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi (Chiba) is hired by a criminal syndicate to secure the secret formula for a synthetic type of heroin that can be manufactured for virtually nothing. Instead of paying Terry the agreed-upon-sum, the gangster try to cheat and kill him--will they never learn?--which causes Terry to kick much ass and steal part of the formula to hold it until he is paid. When a corrupt district attorney (Wada) and an exceptionally slutty vamp (Ike) get in on the action, even more ass is kicked, and much crossing and double-crossing takes place. Will Terry EVER get paid?!

"The Street Fighter's Last Revenge" is the second and final sequel to "Street Fighter". It has a few improvements over "Return of the Street Fighter", but, overall, it's another step downward quality-wise.

On the upside, the film is as fast-paced as the original "Street Fighter", perhaps even moreso, because it is virtually padding-free. There are no long, nearly pointless sequences of students practicing martial arts (as we had in the original film) nor are there reels worth of repeated footage (as we had in "Return of the Street Fighter"). In fact, there is hardly a quiet moment in the entire film--even a semi-romantic/comic interlude ends up presenting some action.

On the downside, the film has a rushed quality to it. The foley work is downright pathetic, with the same sound being used for a ribcage being crushed as for a punch in the face, and the same same gun sound for a shotgun or a revolver. The fight scenes are not nearly as impressive or well-choreographed as in the first two films, and there is more one instance where even the camera placement is off to the point where it's evident that blows aren't actually connecting.

Even more disappointing is the change that has been made to the character of Terry Tsurugi; in this film, his in-your-face brutality has been dialed back a couple of notches and his apartment has sprouted secret compartments and he has developed disguise skills that rivals those of the agents from "Mission Impossible". He's even making fewer funny faces while channeling his chi and breaking people's bones. (He still has his moments of extreme brutality, such as when he tosses a foe into an oven in a crematorium and turns on the fire, but, overall, he comes across as if he was James Bond with a smaller operating budget and no social graces.)

For the dubbed English language version, there are the additional problems of what I am certain amounts to bad translations that end up making it hard to identify who the various factions in the film are, the fact that most of the voice actors are so bad that shouldn't even be allowed to do computer game voices, and that it's very distracting to hear George Takai doing one of the film's villains. Someone with such a distinctive voice shouldn't really be doing live-action dubbing once their face is famous.

Although fast-paced and entertaining, "The Street Fighter's Last Revenge" is a disappointing close to the series. While the finale of the film involves an explosion, it still closes the book on the Street Fighter not with a bang but with a whimper. (Come to think of it, even Terry's final lines have a bit of a whiny, whimpering quality to them. Of course, if I was looking at the terrible sight he was gazing upon, I'd feel a bit whiny too.)

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The Complete Adventures of Harold & Kumar

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (aka "Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies") (2004)
Starring: John Cho, Kal Penn, Dan Bochart, Neil Patrick Harris, Ethan Embry, and Paula Garces
Director: Danny Leiner
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

A pair of pot-smoking roommates, Harold and Kumar (Cho and Penn), get a severe case of the munchies and an overwhelming craving for hamburgers after seeing a TV commercial for fastfood chain White Castle. They set out to visit an all-night White Castle, but their simple trip turns into a major quest as they drive, run, ride, and hangglide through the strangest night of their lives.

"Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" starts out seeming like it's going to be a predictable cross between a stoner comedy and a road picture. As it unfolds, however, it becomes far more than that, brimming with well-delivered social commentary and bizarre surreal humor.

The film's title characters are likewise a multicultural cross between Bing Crosby and Bob Hope from the "Road to..." pictures, and Jack Lemon and Walter Mathau's "Odd Couple" characters--Harold is of Korean extraction and Kumar has Indian roots, but they are both very firmly American. They serve as the primary conduit for the film's running commentary on what a bad idea it is to buy into the notion that there is such a thing as "race identity" and the film's constant use of stereotypes to both undermine that they are useful when dealing with other individuals and to make points about how they may even limit our ideas about ourselves. (Kumar, for example, spends so much time fighting against the stereotypical notion that Indians are either overachieving doctors or store clerks that he's been ignoring his own exceptional abilities and talents, while Harold has so bought into the notion that Asians are boring numbers-crunchers that he's been denying himself and Kumar all sorts of opportunities for partying and more.


As for the film's progression, it starts out fairly tame, but gets stranger and wilder as it unfolds. The high point of the absurdity (and hilarity) comes when our heroes find themselves face-to-face with an escaped cheetah that is referred to repeatedly in the background. A close second is when Neil Patrick Harris appears in a small role spoofing himself.

"Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" delivers intelligent messages and commentary wrapped within the lowest of lowbrow humor--such as a game of "Battleshits" and the aforementioned appearance by Neil Patrick Harris--without ever straying into the territory of being preachy. If you don't mind offcolour humour and satire taken to extreme levels of absurdity, you'll love this movie.




Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008)
Starring: John Cho, Kal Penn, Rob Corddroy, Danneel Harris, and Neil Patrick Harris
Directors: Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Harold (Cho) and Kumar (Penn) are mistaken for terrorists when Kumar decides to use his smokeless bong on a Trans-Atlantic flight. They are confined to Guantanamo Bay by an overzealous (and dumb-as-a-bag-of-rocks) Homeland Security official (Corddroy). Will our heroes manage to escape the toughest prison on Earth in time to stop Kumar's ex-girlfriend (Harris) from marrying a complete douchebag? Will they manage to prove they're just regular Americans instead of terrorists? Will they survive another encounter with former child star Neil Patrick Harris (played by Neil Patrick Harris)?


"Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay" has all the lowbrow humor, shots to the crotch, nudity, and off-color jokes than you'd expect from a stoner comedy. However, it also delivers some hilarious political satire--which seems to have gone over the heads of most critics--and a running commentary on American culture and race relations, multiculturalism, and REAL patriotism and love for America.

Yes, this is one very smart and intelligent stoner comedy that provides more serious and insightful commentary on the current state of American society and the "War on Terror" than all those crappy political screeds (like "Lions for Lambs" and "Stop-Loss") combined. If you have patience for off-color humor, I recommend you check out this movie. You'll smile, you'll laugh, AND you'll do some thinking. Plus, Harold and Kumar are two of the most loveable characters you'll ever laugh at... and Neil Patrick Harris is one of the scariest characters you'll ever laugh at.

(By the way, if you're at the conservative end of the political spectrum and you like listening to talk radio, don't buy what some of the hosts were saying about this film when it was released. While they were busy taking offense over the film's portrayal of President George Bush, they failed to notice that Bush is a good guy in the film, and he's one of the few characters that Harold and Kumar interact with who actually truly is interested in their well-being, helps them, and does exactly what he promises to do.





If the Harold & Kumar movies sound interesting to you, you might like the "Evil Bong" movies, which are reviewed here, at the Charles Band Collection. A third "Evil Bong" movie is currently under development and scheduled to start shooting this Fall.

The Complete Adventures of Agent 00

Here are two of the oddest film to ever be exported from the Phillipines, "For Your Height Only" and "The Impossible Kid." They chronicle the daring exploits of the shortest spy to ever menace the Forces of Evil, Weng Weng, and they are worthy candidates for any Bad Movie Night line-up (or any film festival organized to spotlight Greatest Movies Starring Midgets).



For Your Height Only (aka "For Y'ur Height Only") (1980)
Starring: Weng Weng and Beth Sandoval
Director: Eddie Nicart
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

When the odds of success appear insurmountable, the Phillipine Secret Agency calls upon their smallest operative--Weng Weng, a three-foot-tall midget codenamed Agent 00 (Weng). But can even Agent 00 rescue an American scientist before the mysterious criminal mastermind Mister Giant forces a kidnapped American scientist to build him a deadly N-bomb? And, more importantly, will the swingin' Weng Weng nail his beautiful collegue, Irma (Sandoval).


"For Your Height Only" is a bizarre, low-budget James Bond spoof that features a tiny midget as the superspy... and he's every bit the lover and fighter that James Bond or Derek Flint are. While that in-and-of-itself is pretty funny, the movie is made all the more hilarious by the obvious budget constraints that result in Mister Giant's enforcers driving around in a VW Bug and Weng Weng's spy gadgets looking like they were made in someone's garage. (The gadgets themselves are hilarious as well, particularly the flying, remote controlled hat with the metal brim.)

Much humor also arises from the way Weng Weng's fantastic track record with the women. His lines may need work, but he's got some sort of magic, because chicks seem to fall into bed with him with very little effort on his part. Maybe, as Irma says at one point, it's because he's "petite, like a potato."

And the potato line is a prime example of another part of this film's hilarity. There is literally not a scene that goes by where a character doesn't utter a nonsense line like that, or some bizarre nonsequitor that will have you wondering if you heard right. (Believe me, you will have heard right.)

As this movie is dubbed from Tagalong into English, I don't know if the dialogue was as crazy in the original version, but it sure is wonderously wacky here. The voice actors are also extremely funny... the Phillipine gangsters have a variety of New York accents, and one sounds like Humphrey Bogard imitating James Cagney doing a spoof of a stereotypical 1920s gangboss. While part of the hilarity of that character comes from the dialogue, most of it comes from the irratic Humphry Bogard impersonation.

The many fight scenes in this film are also hilarious, partly due to their inept staging, but primarly due to do Weng Weng's signature move. He always leads with a cockpunch or a kick to the groin of his foes... and sometimes he stomps on the balls of an already defeated bad guy just for good measure. (And from the "I'm laughing but I shouldn't" department, he often utters a maniacal giggle after killing an enemy, especially if death was initiated with a cockpunch. He's a twisted little freak that Weng Weng.)

Aside from the fact that it features a midget superspy who gets laid more than John Shaft, "For Your Height Only" is remarkable for its soundtrack. I have no idea what the Tagalong theme song is about, but the incidental music echoes both the "James Bond Theme" and the theme song from "For Your Eyes Only" with great effect.

On the downside, this film offers too much of a good thing. Weng Weng's cockpunching gets a bit tiresome after his third run-in with Mister Giant's generic thugs (although things do start to pick up again when he invades the house where everyone is waving swords around for some reason), and as funny as the music is, it too gets old because it seems like only 5-10 minutes of it was written, so we hear the same tune over and over again as the film unfolds.

Still, despite its weaknesses, for "Your Height Only" will enliven any Bad Move Night. In fact, the merrifment that this movie will cause among the viewers might be so extreme that the repetitious parts won't even be noticed, because you will all be too busy trying to catch your breath and wiping tears of laughter from your eyes.




The Impossible Kid (1982)
Starring: Weng Weng, Romy Diaz, Tony Carreon, Ben Johnson, and Lili Vasquez
Director: Eddie Nicaz
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When an international terrorist group targets leading Phillipineo industrialists for blackmail and murder, Interpol's smallest operative--the three-foot tall Agent 00 (Weng)--takes on his biggest case.

"The Impossible Kid" is the sequel to "For Your Height Only," a James Bond spoof where the midget actor Weng Weng took on the role of superspy. Here, he is more of a pint-sized action hero, and the film is played in a far more straight fashion. The story is more coherent (even if it features a villain who stole his hood from a Grand Kleegel in the KKK and who communicates with the world via self-destructing TV sets), the fight scenes more varied and better staged--Weng Weng actually seems to be doing Kung Fu instead of just cockpunching bad guys--and Weng Weng's stunts are more impressive. And there's the miniature motorbike he zooms around!

Although I say this fillm is played straight that doesn't mean there are fewer laughs in it than the original. The martial arts scenes are a scream, and Weng Weng outsmarting, beating senseless, or simply killing the various gangsters chasing is equal parts amusing and thrilling at times. The way women continue to want to get get it on with Weng Weng is also hilarious, although he seemed committed to one woman in this film and he is therefore seen to run away from an entire whorehouse compliment of hookers who are lusting for him! (And watch for the "special effect" during the film's climax... it should go down as one of the greatest unintentional hilarious moments in cinematic history,

And then there's the soundtrack music. Weng Weng has his own theme song with lyrics that Shaft would envy, and the recurring action theme within the film echoes the" James Bond Theme", the "Pink Panther Theme", and the "Mission: Impossible Theme" with great and hilarious effect. Never has a composer done so much with so little originality as

Except for that whorehouse scene, and a couple of scenes in bars featuring exotic dancers, this would be a film I think little kids would love. As it stands, it's worth look by adults in search of something weird in the acton movie line, and it's definately a top candidate for a Bad Movie Night line-up.

Tales of the Thin Man

Perhaps the greatest on-screen marriage of all times is that of Nick and Nora Charles, the sleuthing partiers-turned-parents that were originally created by legendary mystery writer Dashell Hammett. The films they appeared in have been collected in a DVD boxed set that is worthy of them.

Warner Bros. pulled out all the stops for "The Thin Man Collection", a seven DVD set that presents near-flawless transfers of the "Thin Man" comedies from the 1930s and 1940s and such a huge selection of extras that most other DVD sets you buy after this one will feel overpriced.

For around $40 (if you buy the set through Amazon.com), you get all six classic Thin Man comedies starring William Powell and Myrna Loy, excellent documentaries on Powell and Loy, and a wide selection of cartoons and short features. In fact, every disc in the set can be used to replicate an "old time night at the movies," with short films to watch before the feature presentation. Each every one of them is fascinating and great fun, with the "Tell-Tale Heart" adaptation included is particularly excellent.

If you haven't seen the Thin Man flms and have any appreciation for classic comedies or the detective films of the 1930s and 1940s, you absolutely must, at the very least, see "The Thin Man". If you need a gift for someone who loves classic movies, you can't go wrong if you get them "The Thin Man Collection". I guarentee they will love every minute of it.

As for the Thin Man movies themselves, read on for my take on each of them.

The Thin Man (1934)
Starring: William Powell, Myrna Loy, Maureen O'Sullivan, Nat Pendleton, Edward Ellis, Mina Gombell and William Henry
Director: W.S. van Dyke

When the return to New York City of retired ace private detective Nick Charles (Powell) coincides with a former client (Ellis) disspearing while under a cloud of suspicion of murder, everyone from cops to crooks assumes he's on the case. Nick, however, wants nothing to do with crime-solving, preferring instead to celebrate the Christmas holiday with his loving wife Nora (Loy) in a drunken stupour. When bullets start flying in his direction, and a police detective (Pendleton) starts drawing conclusions that are obviously wrong to Nick, he takes up the case with his terrier Asta on a leash in one hand and a drink in the other.


"The Thin Man" is one of the best comedy/mysteries ever made. It's got a strong mystery driving the plot, it's got incredibly funny dialogue of the sort that very few writers are capable of creating today and even fewer actors are capable of delivering properly, and it features one of the funniest, warmest martital relationships to ever appear on film. I think this is also probably the only movie where the detective spends the entire story--which spans several weeks--drunk as a skunk!

Although it was filmed by the low-budget division of Warner Bros., "The Thin Man" was the most popular film of 1934 and it was nominated for four Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Actor (for William Powell). It's easy to see why. Powell and Loy's onscreen chemistry and high-energy bantering gives the impression of a very believable couple who are deeply in love and equal partners in their relationship, even if she's from a background of wealth and he's come up from the street. They're equally witty, equally adventerous, and equally hard-drinking.

Another aspect of the film that is hilarous is the spoofing of detective fiction mainstays.

Like Sherlock Holmes, it seems that every other person in Nick Charles' circle of friends and acquaintances is a crook he sent to jail at one point--most of the guests at the Christmas party held by Nick and Nora are of the criminal class--and most of the people he has chance meetings with are of the same type. (Yet, Nick is so charming and likable that even criminals he sent up the river end up being his pals.)

Even funnier is the spoofing of the typical Agatha Christie climax where the detective gathers all the suspects together to reveal who the murderer is. Here, Nick and Nora throw a very expensive dinner party and Nick has his police detective friends bring the guests wether they want to come or not. Nick playing host while unspooling his theory of the crime at the same time leads to some very funny misunderstandings at the table.

With William Powell and Myrna Loy providing the film with a solid center of charm and wit, and a cast of excellent supporting actors including Maureen O'Sullivan and Nat Pendleton orbiting around them, "The Thin Man" is a comedy classic that is as fun and entertaining today as it was when it first premiered nearly 75 years ago. It's a movie that is well deserving of the label "classic."




After the Thin Man (1936)
Starring: William Powell, Myrna Loy, Elissa Landi, Joseph Calleia, Sam Levene, Polly Singleton, James Stewart and George Zucco
Director: W.S. Van Dyke
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Nick and Nora Charles (Powell and Loy) return to San Francisco hoping to spend a quiet New Year's Eve alone at home. But they arrive to find their house full of revelers who are there for a surprise party in their honor and Nick is quickly (and reluctantly) drawn into a scandal brewing around Nora's wealthy relatives: It starts with the gold-digging husband of her cousin (Landi) vanishing and gets worse when she becomes the prime suspect in his murder.


"After the Thin Man" is a fast-paced mystery movie that lovers of classic films will enjoy quite a bit. It delivers a solid story portrayed by a talented cast and filmed with a high degree of skill. It's good, but it's nothing rises to the dizzying heights of hilarity as "The Thin Man", nor is the back and forth of loving putdowns and snappy comebacks between Nick and Nora as free-flowing.

This is still a very well done comedy mystery that captures the feel of San Francisco's high society during the Roaring Twenties, and if it wasn't the follow-up to a masterpiece, I might have felt a little less dissapointed in it. The fact is, though, that it's not until the final ten minutes of running time that the movie fully exhibits the qualities that made "The Thin Man" such an amazing film.

William Powell and Myrna Loy are as charasmatic here as they were in the first movie, even if the script isn't quite as good. They aided by a great supporting cast of talented actors who present a gallery of quirky and suspicious characters, with a young James Stewart giving a particuarly good performance. In fact, James Stewart's performance is a key element of the ending being as effective as it is. (The very cute denoument will also leave you with a smile on your face and thinking about checking out the sequel, "Another Thin Man".)




Another Thin Man (1939)
Starring: William Powell, Myrna Loy, Otto Kruger, Nat Pendleton, C. Aubrey Smith, Virginia Grey and Tom Neal
Director: W. S. Van Dyke
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

One-time party-circuit mainstays and trouble-magnets Nick and Nora Charles (Powell and Loy), now the proud parents of a baby boy, have resolved to put their wild lives of partying and crime-solving behind them. However, when the manager of Nora's investments (Smith) is murdered under mysterious circumstances, the pair are drawn into solving a mystery where the only apparent suspects either have air-tight alibis or end up dead themselves.


It is said the couples mature once they have a child and Nick and Nora seem to be holding true to that in their third cinematic adventure, "Another Thin Man". There's no partying--with the exception of just about everyone Nick ever "sent up the river" in New York bringing babies to the Charles' residence to help celebrate Nicky Jr.'s first birthday--very little boozing (even if Nick sneaks a drink every chance he gets) and while a visit to a night-time hotspot shows that Nora can still wrap any man around her finger, it ultimately serves to give another illustration of the deep affection that she and Nick have for one another and to underscore their newly discovered maturity.

Although the tone of "Another Thin Man" is a little different than the two previous movies, it's still very funny. The humor now revolves mostly around Nick and Nora's marriage (and Nick's rough-and-tumble past) and their relationship with one another remains as playful as ever even without the free-flowing booze. The mystery featured is also very fascinating although it gets a little too tangled for its own good and comes across as just a little too far fetched, something I suspect even the writers were aware of since they had a character comment that she feared the scheme was too involved.

The cast all do an excellent job, and I think letting Nick and Nora "grow up" was a wise decision, not just because they have a child now, but because it seems believable; William Powell and Myrna Loy were starting to show the fact they were well into their middle years, so it seems right that the most beloved characters they ever portrayed should age and mature as well. The only dissapointment I felt with this second sequel to "The Thin Man" was that the now-expected round-up of all the suspects and Nick ultimately fingering the murderer was not as funny as the one in the original film, nor as dramatic as the one in "Another Thin Man". (The twist revelation of the killer's identity is undermined in part by the performer in the role not having the talent of James Stewart--the shift in personality and demeanor simply isn't as convincing or shocking.)




Shadow of the Thin Man (1941)
Starring: William Powell, Myrna Loy, Sam Levene, Lou Lubin, Barry Nelson, Donna Reed, Henry O'Neill, Stella Adler, Loring Smith and Joseph Anthony
Director: W.S. Van Dyke
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When a friend is accused of murdering a shady journalist, Nick and Nora Charles (Powell and Loy) are drawn into an investigation of a large racketeering and gambling operation.


"Shadow of the Thin Man" is the fourth installment in the Thin Man series, and it is the weakest entry so far. Stars William Powell and Myrna Loy display the same on-screen chemistry they've shown since the series' beginning, and Nick and Nora's relationship is as fun and interesting to watch unfold as ever, but the script they are working with here is average fare for the comedy/mystery genre of the day. The only unusual touch is Nick and Nora's son, Nick Jr. It's rare to see a wise-cracking movie detective like Nick Charles wrapped around the finger of a four year-old kid.

Although light on plot and jokes, the film still features a fine cast, a brisk pace, and a nice mystery that unfolds mostly in the open so the attentive viewers can solve the crime along with Nick if they choose. The humor and the great chemistry and charm of William Powell and Myrna Low make this film as entertaining today as it was in 1941. The only reason I felt a little dissapointed in the film was because it follows such a trio of excellent films that it feels like it represents a severe drop-off in quality.




The Thin Man Goes Home (1944)
Starring: William Powell, Myrna Loy, Harry Davenport, Lucile Watson, Gloria DeHaven, Edward Brophy, Lloyd Corrigan, Helen Vison and Leon Ames
Directors Richard Thorpe and Norman Taurog
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

While Nick and Nora Charles (Powell and Loy) are vacationing in the small town where Nick grew up, a man is assassinated, literally in the doorway of the home of Nick's parents. Nora thinks this is a perfect opportunithy for Nick to show his father he isn't the drunken lout he believes him to be, and she pushes Nick to investigate the crime.


"The Thin Man Goes Home" is a change of pace and scenery for the classic "Thin Man" series of comedy-mysteries. Instead of being set in the swanky rooms of the wealthiest in America's largest cities, it takes place among the rich and powerful citizens in a picturesque small American town... and they are revealed to be every bit as vicious and self-centered and potentially evil as their supposedly more urbane counterparts.

The mystery in this film is more multi-faceted and involved than the one Nick was confronted with in the installment of the series immediately prior to this one ("Shadow of the Thin Man", review here), making the film more interesting. The jokes and physical humor in this film are also funnier and more finely honed than they've been since the first movie in the series, making this the best sequel since "After the Thin Man", review here).

Another difference in the film is that Nick actually solves the multiple mysteries that are tangled together in this film stone cold sober! Nick doesn't touch a drop of alcohol for the entire movie, because he is trying to impress his father (and also because in 1944, liquor was being rationed due to the war effort).

What is the same, however, is the wonderful onscreen chemistry between William Powell and Myrna Loy, and the continued portrayal of the pefect married relationship shared by the Charleses. I really can't think of an on-screen married couple that are as fun as these two and the back-and-forth between these two characters are as important to these films as the mysteries. (Relationship highlights in this film include a fun exchange over Nora's failed attempt to set up a lawnchair; Nora buying a birthday present for Nick thinking it is tied to fond memories and later discovering that she didn't get the full story when it came to his childhood reminicing; and Nick stranding Nora at a charity dance with a jitterbugging sailor so he can go on an investigation. Actually, the scene at the charity dance is one of the highlights of the entire Thin Man series!)

It maybe nearly 65 years since "The Thin Man Goes Home" was made, but the humor is still fresh and story is as good, and even better, than the vast of majority of films that have been made since.



Song of the Thin Man (1947)
Starring: William Powell, Myrna Loy and Keenan Wynn
Dierctor: Edward Buzzell
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Socialites Nick and Nora Charles (Powell and Loy) find themselves fish-out-water as they navigate a different type of party scene--that of jazz clubs and beatniks--to clear a hood-gone-straight of a murder charge.


The second to last line that William Powell speaks as Nick Charles is, "I'm going to retire."

Almost every aspect of "Song of the Thin Man" seems to be geared toward underscoring the point that the Charles' are getting a bit long in the tooth and that it is, indeed, time to retire.

Their one-time freewheeling party life has become focused on charity dinners and similar events, Nick is no longer recognized and welcomed everywhere he goes by cops and robbers alike--they all seem to have already retired--and when they do venture into the roaring jazz scene of the late 1940s, they are confused and disconcerted by what they find. To top it off, a real threat is launched against young Nick, Jr. as the couple are off on their investigation.

More than in any other of the Thin Man films, we see Nick and Nora out of their element, and we see that they're uncomfortable. While this occured in earlier films, they usually charmed their way through any possible discomfort, but they can't quite pull that off here. They are well into middle age, and the world is starting to accelerate past them.

While Myrna Loy is as gorgeous as ever, despite clearly being about a decade-and-a-half older than when the first film was made, William Powell looks tired in this film and even older perhaps than his 58 years. He looks like someone who would be uncomfortable around weird jazz musicians, and it's a shame, because Nick Charles shouldn't be uncomfortable around anyone.

Despite the fact that Nick and Nora feel like they are past their prime, Myrna Loy and William Powell still show the tremendous on-screen chemistry that carried this series from the very beginning. In fact, because the characters seem older and calmer, the chemsistry between the actors comes through even stronger. The true love that Nick and Nora have for each other is obviously one that will last until death do them part.

Aside from being saturated with the feeling that Nick and Nora's day has come and gone, the script for "Song of the Thin Man" is one of the weaker ones in the series. It's better than the one for "Shadow of the Thin Man", but it's a long way from the one that launched the series or even the one that immediately preceeded it, "The Thin Man Goes Home". The "big reveal" is particularly weak, almost as if the writers didn't quite know how to handle the Agatha Christie-style "gathering of the suspects" climax that had become part-and-parcel with the series. I almost wish they'd broken with convention, because they do a very poor job of trying to work it in.

Despite the fact that I felt a slight melancholy while watching the film, because of the sense that these two beloved characters were over-the-hill, "Song of the Thin Man" is still a funny comedy mystery with a plot that you aren't likely to figure out all the components of until Nick forces the truth into the open in the film's last minute. It may not be as good as early entries in the series, but it's still a film that holds up extremely well and that is as enjoyable now as it was sixty years ago.

The Mandroid Duology

In the mid-1990s, while virtually all of Band's productions were being filmed at studios and locations in Romania, a pair of comic-booky features issued forth. One quite good, the other pretty bad. They revolved around a remote-controlled robot known as the Mandroid.


Mandroid (1993)
Starring: Brian Symonds, Jane Caldwell, Brian Cousins, Patrik Ersgaard, Michael Della Femina, Curt Lowens and Ion Haiduc
Director: Jack Ersgaard
Producers: Charles Band, Oana Paunescu and Vlad Paunescu
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

As the Soviet Union collapses, Dr. Zimmer (Symonds) decides to sell his remote-controlled, industructable robot--the Mandroid--and the wonder-materials that power it to the United States of American. But, as an American CIA agent (Ersgaard) and a dashing young scientist (Cousins) arrive to close the deal, Zimmer's collegue Dr. Drago (Lowens) decides to seize the robot in order to forge a deal of his own.


"Mandroid" is basically a live action comic book. It's full of one-dimensional characters, nonsensical science, and violence of a sort you only find in cartoon and comic books. (A car slams into a wall high speed and the occupant is barely dazed, a character is shot in the chest at point blank range is he barely bleeds, and the villain is horribly burned by experimental chemicals and all that appears to happen is that he developes a horrible rash and weird facial features. Oh... and an experimental treatment doesn't heal a character but instead turns him invisible.)

It may be nonsense, but it's fun nonsense. It moves along at a fast pace, with the 71 minute running time zipping by like no time at all. You'll have to park your brain at the door, but if you like old style mad scientist movies, you'll like this one. It's the sort of thing Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, George Zucco, Fay Wray and Lionel Atwill would have been featured in.

(An interesting bit of triva: The poster for "Mandroid", from which the image at the top of this post was adapted, features a concept that doesn't appear until the sequel.)



Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight (1994)
Starring: Brian Cousins, Jennifer Nash, Michael Della Femina, Curt Lowens, Aharon Impale and David Kaufman
Director: Jack Ersgaard
Producer: Charles Band
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

Two scientists (Cousins and Nash) are working on finding a cure for a friend who was turned invisible during a lab accident (Della Femina) while continuing to develope the futuristic war-robot Mandroid. But their old enemy Dr. Drago (Lowens) is still lurking in the shadows, and a corrupt police commisioner (Impale) has decided he wants the Mandroid for his own purposes.

"Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight" is a Full Moon action extravaganza where the tiny budget is definately visible on the screen. There are several car crashes, car chases with running gun-fights, and two really feiry explosions.

Unfortunately, the explosions are the only fireworks in this film. The film suffers first and foremost from a lack of focus. While the villainous Dr. Drago's perverted lunatic minions are creepy, they don't fit with the tone of the rest of the movie... nor are any of the subplots tied to Drago effectively resolved. A more appropriate villain is the corrupt police chief who decides he wants the Mandroid robot for his own purposes, but not enough time is spent developing him, because Drago and his minions. (The highlight of Drago's involvement in the film is that it leads to him a sword-fight with Zanna while she is dressed in a skimply bellydancer's outfit. And, yes, it makes about as much sense as you think it does.)


Worse, the Mandroid is a complete waste of time and space in the film. Not only is nothing interesting done with it, but it seems smaller than it did in the previous film. I don't know if the guy in the suit is smaller or if they redesigned it, but it's just not as impressive as it was before.

Not nearly enough is done with the concept of Benjamin Knight's invisibility, nor is even that particularly central to most of the story.

In fact, nothing is particularly central to the story. The film is loose collection of ideas that never really coalese into anything that matters. The end result is a forgettable, empty movie that the only thing you'll remember about is the swordfight... just because it's so out of place. (Well, that and Jennifer Nash looks great in that red bellydancer outfit.)

The Complete 'Transporter' Series

The Transporter (2002)
Starring: Jason Statham, Qi Shu, and François Berléand
Director: Louis Leterrier and Corey Yuen
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Frank Martin (Statham) is the underworld's chief courier, and he can deliver anything and anyone to any place, no questions asked. But when one particular package turns out to be a bound and gagged Chinese girl (Shu), Frank is forced to take on the mantle of hero.


I think I saw something in this movie that most reviewers did not, and I think that caused me to have an even more favorable impression of this film than they did.

Frank Martin and everything about him reminded me of Bean Bandit from the classic "Gunsmith Cats" graphic novels, and the film felt like an unauthorized live-action version of a Bean Bandit adventure. That character, too, is a hard-bitten rogue with his own never-compromised code of honor, drives a ultra-costumized car, will deliver anything anywhere against any odds, and can kick the ass of those he can't outdrive. In every detail that matters, Frank Martin is Bean Bandit. And like "Gunsmith Cats," this movie is more concerned about guns, fast cars, and action than about tight story logic.

The echoes of "Gunsmith Cats" and Bean Bandit aside, this is also just a fun ride of a movie. Frank Martin is a cool action hero in the mold of an Old West cowboy or an 1980s/1990s Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger character. Unlike the characters portrayed by them, however, Frank is a man of style and refinement--his car is always spotless and his black suits and ties are always crisply pressed. Even after an extended fight, Frank looks sharp.

The biggest flaw with this picture is that I had the sense that filmmakers didn't have the guts to take the film where it needed to go. The film occupies a middle-ground between an early 1980s action film with a bit of a Dirty Harry vibe coming from its detatched-yet-heroically minded central character, and the over-the-top crazy comic-book-action rampage... and more than once is swings to one extreme or the other. The end result is a film that's mildly frustrating to watch, because it ends up being neither fish nor fowl. It's got action and plenty of it, but it's so inconsistent in its tone that it's hard to sit back and enjoy it.

And this is a shame, because Jason Statham plays a very good Bean Bandit... sorry, Frank Martin. If the vehicle had been just a little more soundly constructed, he could have taken us for a spectacular ride instead of a merely okay one.


Transporter 2 (2005)
Starring: Jason Statham, Katie Nauta, and Allesandro Gassman
Director: Louis Leterrier
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Frank Martin, a worldclass driver and killer (Statham), is hired to chauffeur and protect the son of a high-placed US government official. The boy is kidnapped, but that's only a prelude to a far more devious and far-reaching plot that only Frank (and a whole lot bullets and fancy driving) can stop.


When I saw the original "Transporter," I viewed it as an unauthorized movie based on the Bean Bandit character from the "Gunsmith Cats" graphic novel series. Its only real flaw was that its creators couldn't make up their minds whether they were making a serious, down-to-earth crime drama with fast cars, or an over-the-top comic-booky action film.

With "Transporter 2," the filmmakers came to a decision, and we are treated to one outrageous, thrilling, and waaaay over-the-top action sequence after another. What's more, the plot is clever and complicated enough that it keeps delivering unexpected twists almost up to the very end. (This is another step up from the first film, I suppose... the plot there was pretty straight-forward.)

Jason Statham is great as the always calm and coldblooded Frank, but, as someone once said, a hero is only as good as the villains he fights... and in "Transporter 2" Frank is up against some very nasty bad guys. The lead heavies are played by Allesandro Gassman (a druglord who puts every letter in EVIL) and Katie Nauta (a psychopathic sex-kitten who fires more bullets in 30 seconds than are fired in the entirety of most major wars), and they are both a joy to watch. The actors, the plot, and the action sequences all blend together seamlessly to make this a great movie experience.


So, why am I only giving it 8 Stars? Well, that is because there are two major flaws that made me sigh with irritation.

First, there is a pretty nifty scene where Frank uses a firehose to beat the living tar out of a bunch of gun-toting bad guys. It's a Jackie Chan sort of scene, although I suspect much of it is done with computer animation and clever editing rather than actual props. Unfortunately, the climax of the scene completely breaks continuity with the entire fight that proceeded.

Second, there is the final dispatching of Nauta's character. It's too easy and too coincidental for a character that has been built up the way she is during the film. I'm not spoiling anything by stating that she dies--if you've seen more than two of these kinds of movies, you know she's too evil to make it through the story alive--and it needs to be mentioned because that character's death is badly done both from a storytelling and a action movie staple perspective. There isn't even a touch of irony in the way she dies... it's just an "oops... she's dead" ending.

Nonetheless, I think this is a move worth seeing if you love over-the-top action films (doubly-so if you're a fan of "Gunsmith Cats".)


Transporter 3 (2008)
Starring: Jason Statham, Natalya Rudakova, Robert Knepper and François Berléand
Director: Olivier Megaton
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Professional driver Frank Martin (Statham) is a man with a reputation that he'll deliver anything to any place a road will take him and his souped-up Audi, so long as his clients accept a few simple conditions that Frank insists upon. However, when a would-be client won't abide by Frank's rules nor take no for an answer, Frank finds himself forced to drive a mysterious package and an equally mysterious and totally obnoxious young woman (Rudakova) across Europe toward an ever-shifting destination... and if he tries to abandon the job, he'll be blown to bits by an explosive bracelet he's been fitted with.


"Transporter 3" is a step below the wild comic book action of the film immediatetly preceeding it in the series... and even a step below the film that started it all.

I suspect the filmmakers thought they were being topical with a half-assed environmental theme and oh-so-global-community-relevant-and-respectful with the films villains. They are eeeeeeevil American industrialists who are using any means necessary to force a righteous and pure-hearted Ukrainian politician to let them turn his nation into a chemical dumping ground. The truth, however, is that I don't think I've seen an environmentally-themed action flick this stupid since Steven Seagal's "On Deadly Ground". At least this film never gets preachy.

It's also not particularly logical or even intelligent in the way it's executed. The bad guys have grabbed the daughter of the pure-hearted politician in order to force him to do their bidding and they somehow feel the need to move her across Europe using a guy who doesn't work for them. A stupid plan that is doomed to fail. Why even move her anywhere in the first place? And why do the eeeeeeevil industrialists insist on having their cargoships full of toxic waste unloaded in the Ukraine? Why not just let Somali pirates hijack them? Or just dump the waste in Somalia where no one will be able to oppose them? (Or some other equally corrupt and disorganized hell hole... the world is full of them.)

But being stupid isn't the worst aspect of this film; I can forgive a certain level of stupid in a movie series that's evolving into a small-scale James Bond-type deal. The worst aspect of this film is that it never gets really exciting. It features some nice car chases, some okay fight scenes where Frank opens many cans of whoop-ass on hapless mooks, and a couple of cool action set-pieces, but the material that exists between them is poorly written. Not even Frank is very interesting in this film.


This is one of those pictures where the cast is let down by a weak script and a less-than-talented director.

Statham plays his usual laconic I'd-as-soon-kick-your-ass-as-talk-to-you character, but the lines he does have lack punch and the fight scenes he is placed in are ineptly choreographed.

Natalya Rudakova has a different look to her than most actresses that appear in films like this, and I think she might be an okay performer... but it's hard to tell because her character was so annoying throughout the movie. I can't for the life of me understand how the romance that developed between her character, Valentina, and Frank was supposed to have come from. (I was further annoyed by her character's tendency to wear too much eyeshadow. One of the evil characters did it in "Transporter 2" and now we have the heroine doing it in "Transporter 3". Will this become a signature of the series?)

All the flaws present in "Transporter 3" make this a movie that all but the most hungry-for-an-action-film viewers can skip.