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Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Tectonic Tuesdays: Jessica Alba

Imam of imams Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi revealed to the world in April of 2010: "Many women who do not dress modestly [...] spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

Continuing our expository series proving him right, we offer this latest supporting evidence.

Eighth Case Study: Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba started endangering the Earth by putting her body on display while cavorting with sea-creatures in the television series "The New Adventures of Flipper." In 1997, at the age of 16, she caused the Qaen earthquake in the northern province of Iran.

As she grew older, the threat she posed grew in proportion, and when she starred in the sci-fi/action television series "Dark Angel"--habitually appearing in tight pants and tighter shirts--she triggered a major earthquake 75 miles south of Fairbanks, Alaska, cracking roads and crumbling support mechanisms for the trans-Alaska oil pipeline in 2002; and rocked most of Asia with a massive quake right after Christmas in 2006.

However, it was in 2005 that Jessica Alba might well have destroyed the entire planet. That was the year she played a writhing, grinding exotic dancer that inflamed the passions of men everywhere and caused who-knows how much adultry in society (as Nancy Callahan in "Sin City"); appeared in a form-hugging blue jumpsuit that left little to the imagination (as Sue Storm in the "Fantastic Four"); and ran about in tiny swimsuits that left nothing to the imagination (as Sam in "Into the Blue"). The result was predictable--if you accept the inspired vision of Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi--and in October of that year, the Pakistani city of Muzaffarabad was almost completely destroyed and 80,000 people lost their lives.

Of course, Jessica Alba's destructive powers were at their most naked in "The Love Guru", a film so awful that it's unclear if the earthquake that struck Japan in June of 2008 was caused by the wanton dance she performed in the film's final moments, or whether it was God punishing the world for the very creation of that movie. (You can read a review of it by clicking here to visit Movies to Die Before Seeing.)

And all because of the immodesty of Jessica Alba.

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