Views & Reviews From Writer Steve Miller
Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Tectonic Tuesday: Milla Jovovich

When the Imam of Imams Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi gave the world his Allah-inspired revelation--"Many women who do not dress modestly [...] spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."--he could very well have been thinking of Milla Jovovich.

Seventeenth Case Study: Milla Jovovich

Milla Jovovich was born in the Ukraine in 1975, but immigrated to with her family to the West as political refugees, eventually settling in Sacramento, California. At the age of 11, Jovovich began a successful career as a photo model, and she quit school at the age of 12. In addition to modeling, she has stated in interviews that she spend her teenage years engaged in drug use, shopping mall vandalism, and credit-card fraud. She also first endangered the world at the tender young age of 16 where the combined outcome of her photo shoots, an appearance on tacky sit-com "Married...With Children" as a slutty foreign exchange student, and her mostly disrobed role in "Return to the Blue Lagoon" triggered earthquakes in California and on the island of Luzon in the Philippines. Jovovich and her wanton ways may also be to blame for the massive eruption of Mount Pinatubo in 1991, but such a connection is mere conjecture and may not be worthy of associating with the Grand Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi's life-saving vision.

The only reason that Jovovich hasn't caused more devastation on Planet Earth is because she is strangely ignored by the film community, be they fans or critics. Instead, the attention goes to the equally threatening Angelina Jolie--whose lifestyle of sex, drugs, and boyfriends galore, as well as on-screen persona is actually somewhat tamer than what Jovovich has led--but that hasn't stopped Jovovich from causing earthquakes in 1997 (with her appearance in a costume consisting of nothing but Ace bandages in "The Fifth Element" bringing about the Qayen quake that left 50,000 people homeless), in 2002 (when she first appeared in a torn dress as zombie-killing lab-experiment-gone-wrong, Alice, in "Resident Evil" and caused the earthquake in Central Alaska that almost resulted in a massive ecological disaster by threatening a major oil pipeline) and in 2007 (when she reprised the role of Alice, wearing an even more revealing outfit in "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" and triggered a massive earthquake in Sumatra).

Although she is now married and has children, Milla Jovovich is continuing to endanger the world with her immodest ways. She will perhaps bring about unimaginable devastation in the wake of her fourth "Resident Evil" movie, which is on track to being the most-seen and biggest grossing of them all.

When the earth cracks and cities crumble, it will be due to the immodesty of Milla Jovovich.

For more of Milla Jovovich being immodest, click here to visit Shades of Gray.