Musta been a slow news day

According to media reports, Beyonce Knowles was not exposed to Hepatitis-A at a recent celebrity bash celebrating her appearance in this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

I repeat: Beyonce Knowles was NOT exposed to Hepatitis-A at a recent celebrity bash celebrating her appearance on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.


In other earth-shattering etertainment news, I am still not dating Carmen Electra, I have still not been cast as Falstaff in "Eddie Murphy's Henry the Fifth (produced by Eddie Murphy, directed by Eddie Murphy, and adaptaed from some play by that Shakespear dude by Eddie Murphy)"... but I DID have a can of Campbell's Chunky Vegetable Beef soup for dinner tonight. It was delicious. I was also not exposed to hepatitis A while eating my tasty dinner.

And Anna Nicole Smith is still dead.

Robert Alder dead at 93

I want everyone to grab their remote controls, switch on their TV or stereo and hit the Mute button. Remain seated for a minute of silence, for Robert Alder has passed.

Robert who? Only the inventor of the greatest home-comfort device, save the microwave: the remote control! He has now ascended to the glorious state of patron saint for wide-assed couch potaotes everywhere!

Adler, a prolific inventor who was best known for co-inventing (with Eugene Polley) the wireless TV remote control for Zenith in 1956, died of heart failure in Boise,ID, at age 93.

Alder joined Zenith in 1941 and remained with the company until 1999 when it was acquired by South Korea's LG Electronics. In its obituary -- headlined "The Inventor Who Deserves a Sitting Ovation" -- the "Washington Post" observed that Adler received more than 180 patents during his lifetime, but that it was the wireless remote that "revolutionized an industry ... and bedeviled, edified and otherwise sustained a grateful nation of couch potatoes ever since its introduction."

It's time for me to come clean.

Now that Anna Nicole Smith has dropped dead (making room for someone else to make a living at being famous for being famous), it seems everyone is coming forward to claim they are the father of her stands-to-possibly-inherit-a-fortune baby.

They';re all liars, each and every one of them. I know this, because I am the father of the baby! I was the one who Anna Nicole was doing the horizontal flab-shimmy with when she got knocked up!

The Mystery Man has been revealed!