Views & Reviews From Writer Steve Miller
Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

Currently Showing at Cinema Steve

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Musta been a slow news day

According to media reports, Beyonce Knowles was not exposed to Hepatitis-A at a recent celebrity bash celebrating her appearance in this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

I repeat: Beyonce Knowles was NOT exposed to Hepatitis-A at a recent celebrity bash celebrating her appearance on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.


In other earth-shattering etertainment news, I am still not dating Carmen Electra, I have still not been cast as Falstaff in "Eddie Murphy's Henry the Fifth (produced by Eddie Murphy, directed by Eddie Murphy, and adaptaed from some play by that Shakespear dude by Eddie Murphy)"... but I DID have a can of Campbell's Chunky Vegetable Beef soup for dinner tonight. It was delicious. I was also not exposed to hepatitis A while eating my tasty dinner.

And Anna Nicole Smith is still dead.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Robert Alder dead at 93

I want everyone to grab their remote controls, switch on their TV or stereo and hit the Mute button. Remain seated for a minute of silence, for Robert Alder has passed.

Robert who? Only the inventor of the greatest home-comfort device, save the microwave: the remote control! He has now ascended to the glorious state of patron saint for wide-assed couch potaotes everywhere!

Adler, a prolific inventor who was best known for co-inventing (with Eugene Polley) the wireless TV remote control for Zenith in 1956, died of heart failure in Boise,ID, at age 93.

Alder joined Zenith in 1941 and remained with the company until 1999 when it was acquired by South Korea's LG Electronics. In its obituary -- headlined "The Inventor Who Deserves a Sitting Ovation" -- the "Washington Post" observed that Adler received more than 180 patents during his lifetime, but that it was the wireless remote that "revolutionized an industry ... and bedeviled, edified and otherwise sustained a grateful nation of couch potatoes ever since its introduction."

Friday, February 9, 2007

It's time for me to come clean.

Now that Anna Nicole Smith has dropped dead (making room for someone else to make a living at being famous for being famous), it seems everyone is coming forward to claim they are the father of her stands-to-possibly-inherit-a-fortune baby.

They';re all liars, each and every one of them. I know this, because I am the father of the baby! I was the one who Anna Nicole was doing the horizontal flab-shimmy with when she got knocked up!


The Mystery Man has been revealed!

Friday, January 5, 2007

Samy Naceri: Most perfect Muslim this side of Mohammed?

Samy Naceri, the peace-loving Muslim who threatened Salman Rushdie's life for "debasing Islam" has shown the world how a follower of the Religion of Peace should conduct himself.

I'm sure the doorman he allegedly stabbed was "debasing Islam" as well?

Actor Samy Naceri is being held by French police on suspicion of attempted murder. The French star of Luc Besson's "Taxi" movie series was arrested on Tuesday night in Aix-en-Provence after getting into a violent fight outside a night club in the area, and is now in police custody.

According to police officials, a drunk Naceri drew a knife on a doorman after he was refused entry to the club. The star was later treated in hospital for an injured jaw and broken teeth.

Naceri was also arrested a day earlier on New Year's Day for driving without a license in Marseille.

It is the latest series of run-ins with the law for the 45-year-old actor, who was sentenced to six months in prison for racially abusing a policeman in December. Naceri has been convicted four times since 2000 for assault, drink-driving and speeding.

Drunk driving? Isn't there something in Islam forbidding alcohol? How can this be... he's such an examplar of all things Islam?!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Peter Boyle dead at 71

Peter Boyle, who was the tap-dancing monster in "Young Frankenstein" and the curmudgeonly father in the long-running sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond," has died. He was 71.

Boyle died Tuesday evening at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease, said his publicist, Jennifer Plante.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A Tale of Two Careys

From the Department of Attention Whores...


Mariah Carey and Mary Carey enter legal cat-fight over name

Mariah Carey is threatening legal action against Mary Carey, because the adult entertainer is planning to trademark her similar-sounding stage name.

The singer is worried fans might confuse the two performers if Mary Carey's application to trademark her name for audio and video recordings is successful. However, the porn star - real name Mary Cook - insists she's not intimidated by the Grammy Award winner, saying, "It's kind of funny because I'm a porn star and I've been being myself for a long time. I think she's being silly."

Cook's lawyer David Beitchman insists the singer stands little chance of winning a court battle over the names. He says, "My first thought was, does Mariah Carey realize what her lawyer is comparing her to and are they seriously concerned? Do they seriously think the fans are going to be confused?"


It's been a while since I've been aware of Mariah Carey doing anything noteworthy--other than a movie that was utterly, totally awful. Is this her way of getting back in the public eye? And if it is, why is she helping someone whose biggest claim to mainstream recognitiion has so far been a rather amusing run for the California governership to a share of that spotlight? (I would have voted for her if I could. At least there would be someone who's honest about being sleazy in American politics for once.)

But, since fading pop-star Mariah Carey is insisting on sharing the stage with rising porn-star Mary Carey, I figured I'd lend a hand. Readers, please meet Mary Carey:


Height: 5' 9" (1.75 m)
Measurements: 36DD-24-36


Biography for Mary Carey (aka Mary Ellen Cook)

Cleveland native Mary Carey was born into what could be charitably called a dysfunctional family. Both of her parents were mentally handicapped (her mother had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic) and she was taken away from her parents by her grandparents when she was three months old. After her parents divorced, her mother moved in with Mary and her grandparents. At seven years of age the family moved from Cleveland to Florida, and the next year Mary was legally adopted by her grandparents.

Mary continued in Florida with the dance lessons she had started taking in Cleveland, and was a straight-A student in school. Her stage debut occurred at 12 years of age when she performed "The Nutcracker" with the Miami City Ballet, and she was bitten hard by the performing bug. Her dancing skills were honed by attendance at a prestigious dance school, and she was being offered dance scholarships from many different institutions. Then, at age 16, her grandfather developed lung cancer and died within a few months. Her grandmother's Parkinson's Disease worsened, and on top of that her body began to develop and she no longer had the thin, flat-chested body considered desirable for a ballerina. She was told to lose weight and get a breast reduction, but instead decided to leave ballet altogether and tried out for and won a place on the dance team at Florida State University, where she was enrolled. In the meantime her grandmother's health deteriorated even further, and soon their financial situation became precarious. In order to keep their head above water, Mary looked around for a job that could pay the kind of money they needed, and found a job as a model on an adult Internet site. From there she landed a job as a stripper. She saw that the strippers who commanded the big money were the featured girls, and an agent told her that the best way to become a featured stripper was to get a following doing porn. She traveled to Los Angeles and made the rounds of the adult-film producers and studios, eventually landing a job with Playboy TV.

Just prior to the recall campaign against California Governor Gray Davis, Mary signed a contract with Kick Ass Pictures, and as a publicity gag they came up with the idea that Mary should enter the field of a dozen or so candidates trying to replace Davis, so she soon publicly declared her intention to run for governor. The stunt worked out far better than they had hoped for, as Mary's bubbly personality and sense of humor about herself, her profession and the campaign itself - not to mention her beauty and spectacular body - endeared her to the California public. Although some political pundits wrote her off as a joke, her "campaign" received extensive coverage in the statewide media and she drew enthusiastic crowds at her appearances. Although she didn't win the election, she did manage to garner more than 11,000 votes. After the election Mary continued to turn out videos, which continue to sell well, and she is, besides Jenna Jameson, one of the porn stars most recognized by the general public.

On June 14, 2005, she attended the President's Dinner in Washington, DC, an annual fundraiser put on by the National Republican Congressional Committee and the National Republican Senatorial Committee. Mary and her boss, Mark Kulkis of porn production company Kick Ass Pictures, also attended a lunch prior to the event.


I am amused by the fact that a porn star's first major entertainment gig was a part in "The Nutcracker." (Oh, and at the risk of annoying a particular lady out there... is there something about dancers and the "adult entertainment industry"? The only dance major I'm still in touch with from college went on to become an exotic dancer and is currently managing the establishment she danced at for nearly a decade.)

And here is the other lovely lady of the moment... Mariah Carey.



Height: 5' 7" (1.70 m)
Measurements: 34BC-22-35 (before implants in 1998)


Biography for Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey was born in Long Island, New York on March 27, 1969. Her parents are Patricia Hickey (Irish-American) and Alfred Roy Carey (African-American/Venezuelan). Her mother is a former mezzo-soprano New York City opera singer and a freelance vocal coach. Patricia was also Mariah's vocal coach. Her father was an aeronautical engineer.

Mariah's mother Patricia discovered Mariah's talent in 1972 while rehearsing at home for her New York City Opera debut as Maddalena in Verdi's Rigoletto.

Patricia said, "From the time Mariah was a tiny girl. she sang on true pitch; she was able to hear sound and duplicate it exactly. I missed my cue, but Mariah didn't. She sang it - in Italian - at exactly the right point. She wasn't even yet 3." From then on, Patricia began coaching Mariah.

Mariah is noted for her spectacular vocal range that spans five octaves. Her highest octave is two octaves higher than normal soprano. She also impresses with the way she sings in long, intricate phrases in the Whistle register range (as heard on such songs as "Emotions", "Anytime you Need a Friend", "Dreamlover", "Bliss" and "O Holy Night".)

Mariah attended Greenlawn's Harborfields High School where she was referred to as "Mirage Carey" because she hardly ever showed up for class. She also studied over 500 hours of beauty school and hair salon prior to becoming a singer.

Early on, she worked a variety of odd jobs to support herself, including hat/coat-checker, hostess, hair sweeper in hair salons, and waitress. She stated that she got fired from all her jobs because of her attitude and was concentrating of becoming a backing singer and mixing demos.

In June of 1990 Mariah made her debut with "Mariah Carey" which entered at #73, but on August 4 1990 it reached #1. Her 1990 self-titled debut album went multi-platinum and spawned an extraordinary four consecutive #1 singles: "Vision of Love," "Love Takes Time," "Someday" and "I Don't Wanna Cry," and led to Grammy Awards for Best New Artist and Best Female Vocalist.

Carey's 1993 album titled Music Box went ten-times platinum. On September 30th 1995, she made music history. Her single "Fantasy" from her 1995 Daydream album debuted at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, making her the first female artist to accomplish a number one debut in the U.S. Her other Daydream's single "One Sweet Day" remained for 16 weeks at the top of the charts. She is the only artist since the Beatles and Elvis Presley to have so many #1 singles and albums.

With "Heartbreaker", the first single from her 1999 album Rainbow and also her 14 #1 single, she became the only artist to top the charts in each year of the 1990s, and with "Heartbreaker" at its 60th week atop the Billboard's charts, she pushed ahead of the Beatles's 59-week record as the only artist with the most cumulative weeks spent atop Billboard's Hot 100 Singles chart.

Following "Heartbreaker", her second single "Thank God I Found You" also from her Rainbow album became her 15th #1.

In 2001, Mariah signed an $80 million deal with Virgin Records for four albums, but bought out the following year for $28 million. The primary reason being the failure of her Glitter album and film. She then signed a three-album deal with Island/Def-Jam Records. Around this time, she suffered a physical and emotional breakdown, and spent seveal weeks recovering in a Connecticut mental hospital

"We Belong Together" from her 2005 album The Emancipation of Mimi became her 16th #1 single and was also her first #1 without any guest artists since her song "My All" (also a #1 single) captured the top spot in May 1998.

The single "Don't Forget About Us" also from her 2005 album Emancipation of Mimi became her 17th #1 single, tying her with Elvis Presley's 17 #1 singles. Three more Grammy Awards were gained from The Emancipation of Mimi album.

Mariah Carey has also been recognized for her charity work with and for children. In 1999, she won the Horizon Award at the Congressional Foundation Awards. She continues to be involved with Camp Mariah, a serene escape located in Fishkill, New York for inner-city youth to embrace the arts, introduce career opportunities, and build self-esteem.



In other Mariah Trivia, she was #28 on FHM magazine's "100 Sexiest Women in the World in 2006" supplement. Maybe that's why she's worried about being confused with a porn star? Maybe there's a "Playboy" or "Hustler" layout Coming Soon to a Newsstand Near You? The breast implants may have been part of a long-term goal of making it in the porn biz?

(Biographies taken from Internet Movie Database, with some rewriting and expansion done on the one for Mariah Carey. They are used without permission, so maybe I'll be hearing from everyone's attorneys?)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Different standard for 'indie filmmakers'?

An artsy-fartsy friend of mine took me to task for being too harsh on the "indie" films I review for this page. Her take is that there needs to be a different standards for "studio films" and "indie films."

Given that many of the films I've reviewed here fall into the category of "indie" films ("White Zombie", for example, qualifies as an "indie" film), I considered her point. And then I dismissmed it.

Calling yourself an "independent filmmaker" is not an excuse to make a crappy movie. If you have a budget of $1.95, you can still have a decent script and you can still have a movie that's technically sound, if you know what you're doing. You may even be able to have decent actors, if you don't cast your girlfriend as the lead. Calling yourself an "independent filmmaker" is also not a rationale for attempting effects and stunts that your budget can't handle... whether you've got $1.95 or $1.95 million dollars, you need to be realistic about what you can accomplish with the tools and talent at your disposal.

I think it's right and proper to judge "studio films" and "independent films" on the same level, so long as one is considering first and foremost certain things that every movie has, no matter how it's made.

Incompetent and bad filmmaking should be judged harshly no matter who is doing it.