Views & Reviews From Writer Steve Miller
Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Tectonic Tuesdays: Jaime Pressly

In April of 2010, Iranian holy man Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi revealed the following divinely inspired fact to the world: "Many women who do not dress modestly [...] spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

Unbelievers scoff and mock this revelation from Allah. However, some recognize Slammy (as he is known to his friends) as something just shy of the Prophet Mohammed (may peas be upon him), and we are devoted to proving him right. This week's evidence:

Seventh Case Study: Jaime Pressly

Gymnast turned model-and-actress Jaime Pressly has been endangering the world from a young age. At the age of 15, she was emancipated from her parents, and has been appearing in public in very little clothing since even before then. Aside from appearing in photo layouts for a variety of men's magazines, she usually appears in little or no clothing in film.

In 2002, Pressly flaunted herself in "Demon Island" and triggered earthquakes along the Russia/China border, in the Fiji islands, and in Alaska.

In 2005, Pressly appeared in "Death to the Supermodels," a film that featured half a dozen immodest women in virtually no clothes at all. It's not surprising that the Kashmir region of Pakistan was struck by a massive earthquake. The following year, Pressly was featured with even more scantily clad women in "DOA: Dead on Arrival," supposedly a video game adaptation/martial arts movie, but it was really just an excuse to show nubile young women in bikinis so they would bring destruction to the world! The result was an earthquake off the Hawaii islands, one that was intensified by the concentration of immodest women always found there anyway.

In recent years, Pressly has been a little less of a threat to the world, as she has been almost dressed in her ongoing role in the television series "My Name is Earl." However, she has three movies in production at the moment--including "The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure"--so she may re-emerge as a threat shortly. Who knows what calamity the immodesty of Jaime Pressly may cause in the future?

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