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Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tectonic Tuesday: Simone Farrow

In April of 2010, the Imam of Imams, the man so wise that someday even the Prophet Mohammad (may peas be upon him) will study at his feet, revealed to the world the TRUE cause of earthquakes: "Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes," Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi (known as Slammy to his friends) told worshipers and the Iranian media.

But the world did not heed his warning. Immodest women are still causing the earth to tremble and crack because of their wicked ways. Most recently, Simone Farrow has brought destruction to the hapless people of this planet, so I once again offer tangible proof of Slammy Sedighi's Allah-inspired wisdom and divine message of warning.

Twentieth Case Study: Simone Farrow

Simone Farrow (aka Simone Starr and Mingximengnuo Starr) was the face (and body) of Ed Hardy bikinis during the early 2000s. The company stopped using her in 2006, but in July of that year, the multitude of pictures and videos of her flaunting herself caused a 7.7 earthquake and tsunami near the island of Java that killed some 700 people and injured more than 9,000.

But ending her relationship with the bikini company did not make Farrow any less dangerous. Her near-nakedness remained on display in places like Penthouse Magazine, FHM Magazine, and numerous other places who trade on the twisted ways of immodest women and play with the safety of the world on a regular basis. And as the years went by, Farrow started adding more tattoos to her body, making her not only an immodest women, but an immodest women who violated divine commandments by marking her body! There can be little question that she can be held responsible for the 2008 Sichuan earthquake that killed over 68,000 people in China.

Farrow, however, was a destructive force on another level. As her modeling career faded, she is alleged to have transitioned into the role of drug kingpin, becoming the world's least-clad meth-dealer and shipping drugs mixed with bath salts from her Hollywood home to the far corners of the Earth. In 2009, the DEA moved in to arrest her, and she went on the lam, adding 19 more aliases to her list of names. She has been arrested twice this year in Australia, once in February (after which she promptly skipped bail), and again yesterday.

Farrow's most recent arrest has brought a flood of pictures of her unclothed body back to the internet and in the pages of newspapers. It should come as no surprise that, just as the Imam of Imams warned us, a powerful, prolonged earthquake shook southern Mexico today, Tuesday March 20.

The cost in human life of this latest disaster caused by the immodesty of Simone Farrow has yet to be determined... but it will undoubtedly make the lives ruined by any meth she may or may not have distributed seem insignificant.

When will the world listen to the warnings of Slammy Sedighi?! When with manufactures of weapons of mass destruction like Ed Hardy bikinis and Penthouse Magazine be treated like the threats to all of humanity that they are?! And when will women stop flaunting themselves and endangering all of us on Planet Earth?!

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