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Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Tectonic Tuesday: Christina Aguilera

With Ramadan of 2010 coming to an end, we present another danger to the planet more severe than Global Warming. It is one of the women who keeps Iranian holy man Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi up and at night, and who prompted him to deliver this divinely inspired warning to all of us: "Many women who do not dress modestly [...] spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

And here's the proof.

Fifteenth Case Study: Christina Aguilera

Born in October of 1980, Christina Aguilera is the second earthquake-causing pop tartlet to emerge from the Mickey Mouse Club, appearing on the television program along side Britney Spears. In 1999, she first threatened the world when she shot to pop music super-stardom and started shedding her clothes in sex-charged music videos. By 2001, even her own grandmother was telling her to find something decent to wear, but it was too late. Aguilera caused the Gurajat earthquake that killed 20,000 people in India as that nation was starting its fifth full decade free of British rule.

By the mid-2000s, Aguilera was becoming a real challenge to Britney Spears in the race to earn the Biggest Skank of the New Millennium Award. Although she ultimately lost the race to the bottom, Aguilera is actually a bigger threat to global stability, because not only was the most immodest of the immodest, but she is also a gifted singer with a fabulous voice... a siren on land who is sure to doom men just as if she was on the sea. And in July of 2006, she brought destruction to the island nation of Java in the form of an earthquake, followed by a tsunami that injured and killed over 10,000 people.

In 2007, Aguilera gave birth to a son, and she subsequently became a little less of a danger to the world. However, it remains to be seen what she still has in store for us, as not only did she release a new album this year, but she is starring in the upcoming film "Burlesque". Will the earth once again tremble because of the immodesty of Christina Aguilera?


  1. She was always more talented than Britney....
    A bit too skanky for my tastes, though.

  2. It does seem that Britney ultimately won the Skank Contest, though.