Views & Reviews From Writer Steve Miller
Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

Currently Showing at Cinema Steve

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Zachary Chesser gets 25 years in prison

According to Reuters Wire Service, Zachary "Abu Talhah" Chesser will be selling his body for cigarettes (or, more accurately, will have his body sold for cigarettes) for the next quarter century.

Man in 'South Park' Mohammed threats gets 25 years prison

Note: The term "man" is used loosely, as it is in all cases where some brave Muslim proves his courage and devotion to Allah or the false idol of Mohammed by attacking and/or threatening artists and writers.

And speaking of which, here's a celebratory image of the Prophet Mohammed (may peas be upon him), together with something that Chesser won't be tapping for a long, long time. (Although he probably never did... why else would he have married someone so hideous she wears a sack over her head and body everywhere she goes?)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The ultimate Numa-Numa song and video

Is this the ultimate Numa-Numa song/video?

Or maybe this?

And then there's this one...

Or maybe this Old Skool version from the crew of the USS Enterprise?

Or this from #1 Numa Fan?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Maybe Oliver Stone was right?

Last year, director and brave anti-Zionist crusader and conspiracy theorist Oliver Stone put forward the theory that Adolf Hitler had been unfairly scapegoated by nefarious villains. Stone promised to show the world the Truth about Hitler and how he could not be judged as "bad" once the full context of his life and actions were known.

With the recent re-discovery of two Hitler-commissioned movie musicals that were thought lost, perhaps Stone has been vindicated in his assessment of Hitler as not being such a bad guy.

Can it be that not only have nefarious Zionists been lying about the true and cuddly nature of Hitler and his Nazis, but that homophobic anti-Gay bigots have been distorting the truth as well?

How can a man who would commission a 3-D musical focused on plump, juicy sausages titled "So Real You Can Touch It" be anything but faaabulous? And then there's "Girls Roll Into the Weekend," a film which probably puts even the greatest Liza Minnelli concerts to shame.

Hopefully, Oliver Stone will use part of his his "Secret History" episode unveiling the True Hitler to cement the Mustachioed One as the trailblazing gay icon he truly was.

In fact, I see a whole new series of "Secret History" specials in this, one tracing the line of maligned homosexuals from Alexander the Great through Adolf Hitler to Yassir Arafat and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! Someone get Stone's agent on the phone! He also needs to secure the rights to "So Real You Can Touch It" so he can reissue them to movie theaters and bring Hitler's homo-erotic visions to the 21st century via cutting-edge 3D technology!

Does this mean I'm famous or a has-been?

While trying to figure out a way to finally establish my list of credits--who I've written for over the years and what I've done for them--in the hopes of maybe lining up some work, I came across a Wikipedia page about me!

I've known about the Steve Miller (columnist) and Steve Miller (writer) Wiki-pages for a while. Back when I was writing "Dragonlance" and "Star Wars" material regularly, I would occasionally be mistaken by fans for Steve Miller (writer) (and co-writer of the very excellent Laiden sci-fi series)--and visa-versa. I may even have been mistaken for Steve Miller (columnist) at one point or another. Much to the great shame of those two worthies, I'm sure.

I've never been mistaken for Steve Miller (musician), even if I used to write music reviews. I've always dreamed about getting just one of his royalty checks by mistake! (And screw the ethics classes I used to teach! It would go straight into the bank account!)

But... now that someone has bothered making a Wiki page for me, should I start demanding the best tables at restaurants, or should I shut down the word processor and get a job as a security guard or Wendy's manager?

Whichever it is, at least I have another excuse to post a link and say, "please buy my latest book."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Attention Do-It-Yourself-ers!

The top secret recipe of Coca-Cola has been discovered and made public! It was found in a photo published in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution by a radio host. Read this article for details.

To save you link-clicking, here's the recipe. Its text also draws back the mystery of why Coke has referred the formula that supposedly gives the soda its unique flavor as "7X-100".

Fluid extract of Coca 3 drams USP
Citric acid 3 oz
Caffeine 1oz
Sugar 30 (it is unclear from the markings what quantity is required)
Water 2.5 gal
Lime juice 2 pints 1 qrt
Vanilla 1oz
Caramel 1.5oz or more to colour
7X flavour (use 2oz of flavour to 5 gals syrup):
Alcohol 8oz
Orange oil 20 drops
Lemon oil 30 drops
Nutmeg oil 10 drops
Coriander 5 drops
Neroli 10 drops
Cinnamon 10 drops

If you decide to brew a batch, let me know how it turns out!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Well, I think they're funny!

I thought the Groupon ads satirizing the overly touchy-feely, obviously phony begging-for-donation TV spots were hilarious. The company has decided to pull them, because they have outraged what they consider their target market (I assume).

Given that the most extreme histrionics about saving whales, saving the rain forest, and saving Tibet come from whacked-out liberals, I am wondering if the histrionics about these Christopher Guest-directed, and very funny, ads didn't come from them as well.

And I wonder how many of them thought this violent fantasy about murdering people because they don't buy into a group-think party line about Global Warming was harmless satire?

What is the phrase? You never notice until it's your ox that gets gored? (And one can't help but wonder if the "Save the Whale" ads isn't going to be considered the most offensive them all... because it's also the most honest.)

The ads are on Youtube for a the moment at least. Here are all three of them.

Groupon Ad: Save the Rainforest

Groupon Ad: Save Tibet

Group Ad: Save the Whales

I'm curious to hear what readers of this blog think. There's a comments section. Please use it. :)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Lindsay Lohan: Guilty of Theft or Stupidity?

So, this headline caught my eye:

Lindsay Lohan Pleads Not Guilty to Felony Grand Theft

If you click on the link, the article will tell you that Lohan's defense for shoplifting a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store is that she was "allowed to borrow the jewelry."

Either Lohan's an idiot, or she thought the store owners were, because who in their right mind would let a crackhead drunkard like her borrow ANYTHING she might trade for drugs and booze?

Here's hoping this goes to trail and she gets FINALLY the jail-time she has so richly deserved for a number years. (At the very least, we'd get to hear elaborations on why on earth she thought she was so special that she could walk off with a store's merchandise.)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Women in Horror Month:
The Saturday Scream Queens

Since starting my horror-centric blog Terror Titans back in December 2009, I've been spotlighting one of the many Women of Horror in the Saturday Scream Queen Series. Sixty or actresses have been profiled so far, and there are many more to come.

In honor of Women of Horror Recognition Month, here's a list of my Top Ten Favorite Scream Queens (as of Febuary 2011). Click on the names for more info and pictures.

10. Elke Sommer. Mario Bava's greatest leading lady/damsel-in-distress.

9. Kate Jackson. Parts in made-for-TV horror movies and a recurring role on the "Dark Shadows" soap opera made Jackson the small screen's Scream Queen.

8. Erin Brown (aka Misty Mundae). Battled mummies, vampires, and lesbians in soft-core horror spoofs and zany fright-fests from Brett Piper.

7. Jacqueline Lovell. Her face (and breasts) were welcome sights in numerous Charles Band productions during the 1990s.

6. Barbara Crampton. The victim of madmen, monsters, and goopy Lovecraftian horrors from Empire Pictures and others.

5. Milla Jovovich. No Scream Queen kicks monster butt like Milla!

4. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Star of slasher-flicks and the long-running supernatural-themed drama "The Ghost Whisperer.

3. Barbara Steele. The most spectacular eyes to ever look out at an audience from the screen.

2. Fay Wray. The original Scream Queen and one of the greatest actresses to ever, as she put it, wear "a silly blonde wig."

And my #1 favorite Scream Queen:

1. Jamie Lee Curtis. The face and lanky figure of 1980s slasher flicks and the greateast Scream Queen of the all!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mike Oldfield and the Queen of Chance

Here are some videos and versions of Mike Oldfield's great tune "To France."

First, the original song with vocals by Maggie Reilly.

Here's a dance version of the tune from Novaspace. The video's pretty neat, but I wonder if they knew what the song is about?)

The version from Blind Guardian doesn't have much of a video, but it's a great listen.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

There's bad...

... and then there's Christina Aguilera performing the National Anthem at the 2011 Super Bowl.

She couldn't even get the lyrics right... and one has to wonder if she even knows what they mean, given where she placed inflections.

She should have rehearsed a couple of times before stepping in front of a national audience. Well, at least she was fully clothed, so she didn't endanger anything but her own reputation.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tura Satana dead at 75

Tura Satana, a busty exotic dancer and actress best known for her breakthrough role in "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" passed away on Friday, February 4. She was 75 (according to most sources, although her manager has stated she was 72).

Satana also appeared in the "Astro Zombies" trilogy, playing a succession of evil triplets, each of whom come to a bad end during the films' climaxes.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Welcome to the Year of the Rabbit!

May your wealth and happiness multiply like the year's namesake!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Jihad Bitch Pleads Guilty

Looks like the Muslim Maniac known widely as "Jihad Jane" has plead guilty to being a Jihadist Bitch.

From Big Peace: Jihad Jane Pleads Guilty

One can see why she follows Islam, though. Someone that ugly can only hope to score when wearing a body tent. (No picture of Jihad Jane here--she's simply too hideous to display--but you can click on the linked article to check her out.)

However, here's a cartoon of Mohammed in expression of my respect for the beliefs of Mohammadan death-cultists everywhere.