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Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Tectonic Tuesday: Who to blame?!

At roughly 1:55pm Eastern Time, an earthquake with a preliminary magnitude of 5.8 hit the East Coast of the United States of America, with an epicenter in Virginia. Damage appears to have been light to non-existence, but airports have been closed and hysterical politicians have been evacuated from buildings throughout Washington, D.C.

But, as every intelligent and wise person knows, earthquakes are not caused by geological forces, but by immodest women.

This was revealed by the great latter-day Prophet of Allah, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi--a man so wise and great that he should be second only in status to Mohammed and Jesus Christ--when in 2010 he told the world that: 'Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

I conducted careful research that proved the Great Holy Man right with the Tectonic Tuesday series on this very blog.

On that note, here are some thoughts on which dangerous women may have caused today's earthquake, turning this day into a TRUE Tectonic Tuesday!

Angie Harmon
Is there anything more immodest than an actress portraying a tough, independent, intelligent woman in a television series? Probably not... and since she's done it on multiple series (most recently on "Rizzoli and Isles"), she might be the cause of today's quake.

The fact she's a vocal Republican only confirms her possible culpability.

Milla Jovovich

Already profiled as part of the Tectonic Tuesday series, there's a preview featuring her running in movie theaters (promoting the new "The Three Muskateers" movie) and it was recently announced that she will be back as Alice in the fifth Resident Evil movie. Increased Google searches of pictures for her (including 211 hits here, brought in by the search phrase "Milla Jovovich naked") may have brought the world to the brink of disaster!

Rose McGowan
Emancipated from her parents as a teenager, McGowan lacks respect for her elders. She also has a habit of appearing in films without wearing much in the way of clothes, like the latest "Conan the Barbarian" movie. With her flaunting her immodest ways on thousands of movie screens across the nation and the world, she could be the cause of quake.

Rachel Nichols

In recent years, she's appeared in form-fitting outfits in several wide-release movies, and she, like McGowan, is featured in scant clothing in the new "Conan the Barbarian" movie. Even worse, she has an on-screen sex scene with Jason Momoa. She is probably more culpable in causing this earthquake than McGowan, but it is very likely that the combination of both of them displaying their immodest ways in a single movie is what made the earth of the Eastern Seaboard tremble today.

An Alternate Theory

As the quake happened, President Barack Obama was playing golf, enjoying yet another of his many vacations. Given that Obama is, according to some sources, a Chosen One--second only to Mohammed and Jesus Christ--perhaps God made the earth move so that Obama's golf ball would roll across the green into the hole, gaining him a Hole-In-One?

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