Views & Reviews From Writer Steve Miller
Formerly Reviews and Stuff at Rotten Tomatoes, 2005 - 2009.

Currently Showing at Cinema Steve

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Tectonic Tuesday: Special Ramadan Edition

Given the controversy surrounding my efforts to raise awareness of the dangers posed by immodest women and their naked flesh to the safety of us all (as revealed to us when the great and wise Imam of Imams Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi stated in April of 2010 that "women who do not dress modestly ... spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes"), I am once again refraining from posting a Tectonic Tuesday Case Study.

I want the most holy Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi to be able to enjoy the Holy Month of Ramada with a calm mind, not having to worry that my calling attention to immodest, earth-shattering women might be increasing the problem rather than elevating it.

Instead, here are tips for those ladies out there who want to go to beach and enjoy the sun, sand, and sea without the risk of causing earthquakes.

Modesty by the Sea:
Tectonic Tuesday Ramadan Special Report

First, let me stress that there is no doubt what so ever than large number of women prancing about immodestly in bikinis is a danger to the planet. The Chinese proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt in 2008 when their stunt to create the Olympic Rings out of bikini-clad women gathered over 1,200 of these immodesty females in one place, triggering earthquakes in Oregon, California, and China's own Sichuan Province.

But how then can a woman of conscience avoid being the cause of such disasters while still enjoying summer sea-side activities?

One option is the Burkini. This is swimwear developed to ensure that no woman will ever cause an earthquake while on the beach. Of course, numerous instances of women in Burkinis being shot with tranquilizer darts and shipped off to the mysterious land of the Teletubbies in tragic cases of mistaken identities show there's a different sort of risk that arises from the Burkini.

The ideal situation is to strike a middleground, being modest in your dress while not looking like a Teletubbie or an extra from Cirque de Soleil on a smoke break.

Laurin here had the right idea. As Imam Slammy (as the all-wise Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi is known to his friends) would undoubtedly confirm, the second biggest threat from immodest women is their uncovered heads and that sexy, sexy hair! But she isn't wearing a top. Going topless at the beach isn't very modest. (Of course, by going topless, women will make it easier for men to engage in the fatwa-approved adult breast feeding recommended by Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini of Saudi Arabia, a great man who is almost as wise as Imam Slammy himself. But the risk of earthquakes is probably not worth it.)

The Tectonic Tuesday staff recommends the Burkini design to the left is the only solution that allows women to enjoy the beach while avoiding the risk of being mistaken for a Teletubby and hunted down by animal control, or spreading adultery and (consequently) increasing earthquakes. It is actually more modest than the Burkini, as it covers the face as well as the hair and arms. The only possible way to improve this design was to have the woman wear parachute pants along with it.

Another option would be for women who insist on wearing immodest swimwear to frequent women-only beaches. There are a few of those around the world. Adventuress (and notoriously immodest woman) Lara Croft recommends the one in Italy's Riccione Resort.


  1. I heard that the Ground Zero mosque was going to have a swimming pool in it. I'm guessing that the men and women won't be able to swim together, and that the women will only be allowed to wear Burkinis.

  2. Presumably, the building will also have security, so there's no risk of Teletubbies getting in, and therefore no risk of Burkini-wearers being mistaken for one.

    The New Cordoba Mosque might be one of the few places it'll be safe to wear one of those get-ups.